20 March 2009

musings. . . .

so we just went to vegas with the fam for a bit of a get away. it was fun. hard to be away from jeremiah, but it was nice to have a bit of a break. mike & i were in rare form:

but anyway. so lately i've been having trouble falling asleep. mostly because i can't get my brain to slow down. even if i'm ready to pass out on the couch, i'll get in bed and immediately my brain starts running at high speed through all of these thoughts. some of the thoughts going through my mind:

1. my dad
2. my brother & his family
3. my job
4. buying a house
5. the discovery connecting to the space station. random i know.

i almost got up last night to blog about it all but i didn't so of course now when i'm trying to get it out i've forgotten some of my thoughts. i've realized that i have a lot of pent up frustrations about different things and i really need to start getting them out. one way i'm going to do that is work out. even if it's just walking. i really have to get this pent up energy out. and second i need to write it out. i really need to get back into it.

lately i've really been missing my dad. it's been 4 years and some days it feels longer than that and others it feels like yesterday. i just think about picking up the phone and calling him to talk to him about all this crap like every day and then i realize i can't. that i can't ever talk to him again. and then i just want to die inside. it's just not fair that i can't ever talk to my dad again. and that i lost him at 24, that WE lost him and from that point forward i live in fear EVERY DAY that i will lose my mom and then i will never recover. i think it's hard being without my dad......i talk to my mom EVERY day at least twice and i call her the second i'm frustrated, sad, angry about ANYTHING. what am i going to do when she's not here. who am i going to go to. i fear that i will feel SO alone because my brother doesn't have that kind of relationship with me and my mom. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to be without my family.

ok that felt a little better.

mike & i are looking for a house. i'm scared to death. but their so cheap now we can actually get into the market. now or never i guess.

i am still TOTALLY amazed that we send people to space and they build crap up there and live up there for months at a time and then fly back to earth and it's like no one cares. it's like 6th page news. HELLO!? WE GO TO SPACE!? WE HAVE A SPACE STATION!? THIS IS INCREDIBLE!!!! I feel like this guy:

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