how can we choose to be second?
i struggle with putting God First in my life on a daily basis. i have refused to let go of past hurts and disloyal friends who have tarnished my view of the church. in my heart of hearts i know i belong to a community of believers and that i need to fellowship with them. but my inner most desire is to run. run far away.
i'm good at putting walls up. i don't like to get hurt. i like to learn from my mistakes. i refuse to let a "man of God" tell me how to live my life when he can't even live his right.
how am i supposed to trust a man in cloth when one betrayed my family? how do i trust the church when i watched them step aside to let this man do so?
i yearn to find fellowship with God on an individual basis first. to become renewed in him. but i have a feeling that church happens outside the walls of a building. that it doesn't take me going to church every sunday morning and sunday school to make me a believer, a follower of Christ, a member of his Army. i can do and be all of these things without the brick & mortar. and i feel like i can do it better.
but what is his true calling for my life?
i look at my baby boy, knowing the responsibility i have towards raising him to know the Lord, and i can only hope & pray that my own faults, bitterness/resentment, don't keep him from experiencing God in all His glory the way he was meant to. i don't want to be the one to keep him from experiencing any of this. i want to be a guiding hand for him. to be a positive influence and hopeful spirit so that he doesn't look at the world as half empty, but half full.
i pray the Lord will change my heart and release my fears. i want to be the best mother i can be, and at this point i feel like i'm already a step behind.