08 December 2008

without dad.

as i get older i see more of my dad in myself and i couldn't be more thankful. i see how well he prepared me for life and for how to be the best person i can be.

i try to help my mom out as much as i can and one of those items was helping her get her christmas tree up. it was SO frustrating because the trunk was crooked and so it made the tree top heavy. i can't tell you how many times i adjusted the screws on that stupid tree stand. but we got it done and it was a great time. we thought back to how it used to be dad messing with the stand while having my mom & i tell him if the tree was straight or not.....usually in a totally irritated tone because my mom is a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to a straight standing tree. ps. it was hilarious b/c jeremiah just sat & watched us struggle with the tree and made grunting noises. i love him.

i wanted to plant the japanese maple tree i got her for her birthday but it was already dark outside and 38 degrees so she refused. we both figured it would be my luck that i would hit a pipe or something. we are pretty competent independent women but i leave that kind of stuff to the guys. and my brother is SO not helpful when we call for help. he makes us feel stupid.

i'm so thankful i live close and can help my mom out when she needs it. my dad really did so many things around the house/yard. you don't realize those little things until they aren't here anymore.

i miss him. i miss our complete family. it still feels like there is this gaping hole and i'm sure it will always feel that way. he was the leader of our family, our guide.

sometimes i'm thankful he's not here for the only reason that he would probably go POSTAL about some of the stuff that has gone on in our family since he's been gone. it would NOT be good!

i wish when i walked in the door at home he would be at the kitchen table eating breakfast like he always was.....reading the paper.......saying...."hey, sis!"

i love you dad. thank you for sending me jeremiah. i just know you had a hand in it. at least that's what i want to believe.

05 December 2008


how can we choose to be second?

i struggle with putting God First in my life on a daily basis. i have refused to let go of past hurts and disloyal friends who have tarnished my view of the church. in my heart of hearts i know i belong to a community of believers and that i need to fellowship with them. but my inner most desire is to run. run far away.

i'm good at putting walls up. i don't like to get hurt. i like to learn from my mistakes. i refuse to let a "man of God" tell me how to live my life when he can't even live his right.

how am i supposed to trust a man in cloth when one betrayed my family? how do i trust the church when i watched them step aside to let this man do so?

i yearn to find fellowship with God on an individual basis first. to become renewed in him. but i have a feeling that church happens outside the walls of a building. that it doesn't take me going to church every sunday morning and sunday school to make me a believer, a follower of Christ, a member of his Army. i can do and be all of these things without the brick & mortar. and i feel like i can do it better.

but what is his true calling for my life?

i look at my baby boy, knowing the responsibility i have towards raising him to know the Lord, and i can only hope & pray that my own faults, bitterness/resentment, don't keep him from experiencing God in all His glory the way he was meant to. i don't want to be the one to keep him from experiencing any of this. i want to be a guiding hand for him. to be a positive influence and hopeful spirit so that he doesn't look at the world as half empty, but half full.

i pray the Lord will change my heart and release my fears. i want to be the best mother i can be, and at this point i feel like i'm already a step behind.