08 December 2008

without dad.

as i get older i see more of my dad in myself and i couldn't be more thankful. i see how well he prepared me for life and for how to be the best person i can be.

i try to help my mom out as much as i can and one of those items was helping her get her christmas tree up. it was SO frustrating because the trunk was crooked and so it made the tree top heavy. i can't tell you how many times i adjusted the screws on that stupid tree stand. but we got it done and it was a great time. we thought back to how it used to be dad messing with the stand while having my mom & i tell him if the tree was straight or not.....usually in a totally irritated tone because my mom is a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to a straight standing tree. ps. it was hilarious b/c jeremiah just sat & watched us struggle with the tree and made grunting noises. i love him.



i wanted to plant the japanese maple tree i got her for her birthday but it was already dark outside and 38 degrees so she refused. we both figured it would be my luck that i would hit a pipe or something. we are pretty competent independent women but i leave that kind of stuff to the guys. and my brother is SO not helpful when we call for help. he makes us feel stupid.

i'm so thankful i live close and can help my mom out when she needs it. my dad really did so many things around the house/yard. you don't realize those little things until they aren't here anymore.

i miss him. i miss our complete family. it still feels like there is this gaping hole and i'm sure it will always feel that way. he was the leader of our family, our guide.

sometimes i'm thankful he's not here for the only reason that he would probably go POSTAL about some of the stuff that has gone on in our family since he's been gone. it would NOT be good!

i wish when i walked in the door at home he would be at the kitchen table eating breakfast like he always was.....reading the paper.......saying...."hey, sis!"

i love you dad. thank you for sending me jeremiah. i just know you had a hand in it. at least that's what i want to believe.

05 December 2008

choosing.

how can we choose to be second?

i struggle with putting God First in my life on a daily basis. i have refused to let go of past hurts and disloyal friends who have tarnished my view of the church. in my heart of hearts i know i belong to a community of believers and that i need to fellowship with them. but my inner most desire is to run. run far away.

i'm good at putting walls up. i don't like to get hurt. i like to learn from my mistakes. i refuse to let a "man of God" tell me how to live my life when he can't even live his right.

how am i supposed to trust a man in cloth when one betrayed my family? how do i trust the church when i watched them step aside to let this man do so?

i yearn to find fellowship with God on an individual basis first. to become renewed in him. but i have a feeling that church happens outside the walls of a building. that it doesn't take me going to church every sunday morning and sunday school to make me a believer, a follower of Christ, a member of his Army. i can do and be all of these things without the brick & mortar. and i feel like i can do it better.

but what is his true calling for my life?

i look at my baby boy, knowing the responsibility i have towards raising him to know the Lord, and i can only hope & pray that my own faults, bitterness/resentment, don't keep him from experiencing God in all His glory the way he was meant to. i don't want to be the one to keep him from experiencing any of this. i want to be a guiding hand for him. to be a positive influence and hopeful spirit so that he doesn't look at the world as half empty, but half full.

i pray the Lord will change my heart and release my fears. i want to be the best mother i can be, and at this point i feel like i'm already a step behind.

23 October 2008

motherhood

i am in wonder.

i am watching my 3mo old son (3months today!) laying in his swing, sleeping so soundly. he is the most precious thing i have ever encountered. i now know what my family meant when they said you will never love anything more. you can't even imagine how much love you will have for your children.

my love for jeremiah overflows to the point that i can barely take it. i miss him even when he takes just a 3 hour nap. joy erupts in me when he smiles and looks at me with those blue eyes, when he follows me across the room with his eyes, when he holds my finger, when he falls asleep on me.

i never could have imagined loving something so much. he is such a blessing to my life and i can't imagine my life without him or even life before him. i feel like i've always known him.

i like to enjoy each day as its own. i try to avoid the...."i can't wait till he..." stuff because i will blink one day and he will be all grown up and i'll wish for the days that i could hold him and cradle him in my arms. so i take pleasure in all the little things. like when he found his fingers.....when he started to coo and make noises with his tongue. when he started kicking his legs like he was running in place! so many milestones. each one is a miracle to me.

jeremiah is a miracle to me in more ways than i can count.

i still look in the mirror sometimes in utter disbelief that i'm a mom. there were times that i wondered if i ever would be. and now here i am with a little baby boy. i couldn't ask for anything more.

14 October 2008

life @ the moment

@ this moment i am so unsure.
unsure of who i am.

when you become a mom it's like you disappear a bit. i barely have time to even shower let alone floss. i told that to my dentist yesterday. honestly. last week i only left the apartment twice. i didn't even step foot out the front door. and i think i went 2 full days without showering or changing out of my pj's. *i work from home

i can't believe i'm admitting this.

will i feel like myself again?

will i find energy somewhere?

i just want to take a walk & i can't even get myself to do that.

what the heck?

07 October 2008

missing friends

so mike & i have been married for 4 years and 2.25 months. we've been through more trials than i could have ever imagined. and even when i didn't think we were going to be able to rise above it or survive, i think deep inside i knew we would, somehow, someway, some day.

when mike & i met i was trying to take a break from guys and i remember myself saying "steph....do NOT fall for this guy, you need to be by yourself". well....that little pep talk DID NOT work obviously and i instantly fell for him. i knew he was different from the start and i knew that he would love me through all of my nasty-ness.

i distinctly remember this one night in Glendora's Wal-Mart. We had broken up after 6 months of dating and i thought my world was over. he did too.....i think he would admit that. anyway. we were discussing being together again and how much we cared about each other as we walk through Wal-Mart. we're in the guys clothing section weaving in and out of the racks when mike says to me, "i always knew that the next girl i dated, i would marry." i made him say it again because i wasn't sure i heard right the first time. i think my heart stopped that night because at that point i knew we would be together forever.

even though we've been married 4 years and counting, we've actually been together for 8 years this Nov 17. that is amazing. i don't think i've ever laughed so much as i do with mike. we have some serious hilarious moments. and he even says i've got funnier over the years. i smile.

anyway, back to the point of the blog. we've been through a lot and some how we ended up in the Central Valley of CA. No where near any of our friends. well near a couple of them but we never see them. i've been keeping in touch with our friends by reading their blogs and facebooks....but its just not the same.

we used to camp out in starbucks. like constantly. and argue over theology. thanks brendan, karsten, & mike for making me feel like an idiot, yet loved at the same time. if we weren't at starbucks we were at wahoo's or church. there was lots of drama in those days but i would go back in a second.

a friend of mine (m.hebs) has a great blog and i read the whole thing tonight to catch up (she's a great & frequent blogger unlike myself) and she had a blog on church that seriously felt like it came from my head.

i haven't been to church since my dad died pretty much except for a few visits here and there to Rock Harbor and Calvary Chapel Modesto.

not only were we both tremendously hurt by the church or i should say church pastors, but we were betrayed. i've had a tough time recovering from this. i don't trust church leaders and i find it hard to deal with church life. i wasn't raised in the church so i've always struggled with going. mike has gone since his birth so it's like ingrained in him to get up and go EVERY morning. this was a difficult point in our marriage.

but now, we never go. we basically both haven't stepped foot in a church for over a year. who knew....we used to LIVE at Lake Hills.

and now we have no home church, no church family, no youth group kids to hopefully guide through life, no friends.

how do you make friends at 28/29?? how do you get the guts to meet new people especially when all you want is the old crew??

i miss our friends.

03 September 2008

coming back

i'm coming back to this blog......much has happened in my life since i wrote here....updates to come.