22 December 2006

a little more on mourning

there's been a lot of this feeling in my life in the past few years so i decided to spend a little more time on it, cause maybe i don't. i have a tendancy to avoid.

yes i know. it's called avoidance. i'm working on it all right so back off.

anyway. in a lot of ways i feel like i have approriately mourned my losses. but when people speak with me they tell me i haven't. particularly when it comes to mourning my dad.

what is mourning?

what is grief?

what is the correct process?

what does it look like when you have "grieved appropriately"?

i know that the minute i knew my dad was gone forever.........i had the worst intense emotional feeling in my gut. like deep in my insides. like everything inside me had vanished. an extreme empty and hollow feeling. the worst thing i have ever felt in my life......including any physical pain i have endured. an intense rush of lonliness, panic, shock. all i wanted to do was scream, as if that expression of emotion would make me feel better. but i had this dire need to get whatever was inside of me, OUT.

i know i will feel this all over again and worse. as each one of my family leaves. how do we make it through this life of constant mourning?

sometimes hope seems so far-reaching. so distant.

remember when we didn't have those vacant glossed over eyes? the ones that say or alert to others.....OK. that's enough. i can't take anymore...........either pain or annoyance or stress.

how do we find ease in the now. cause when i look to God all i develop is anger.

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