22 December 2006

a little more on mourning

there's been a lot of this feeling in my life in the past few years so i decided to spend a little more time on it, cause maybe i don't. i have a tendancy to avoid.

yes i know. it's called avoidance. i'm working on it all right so back off.

anyway. in a lot of ways i feel like i have approriately mourned my losses. but when people speak with me they tell me i haven't. particularly when it comes to mourning my dad.

what is mourning?

what is grief?

what is the correct process?

what does it look like when you have "grieved appropriately"?

i know that the minute i knew my dad was gone forever.........i had the worst intense emotional feeling in my gut. like deep in my insides. like everything inside me had vanished. an extreme empty and hollow feeling. the worst thing i have ever felt in my life......including any physical pain i have endured. an intense rush of lonliness, panic, shock. all i wanted to do was scream, as if that expression of emotion would make me feel better. but i had this dire need to get whatever was inside of me, OUT.

i know i will feel this all over again and worse. as each one of my family leaves. how do we make it through this life of constant mourning?

sometimes hope seems so far-reaching. so distant.

remember when we didn't have those vacant glossed over eyes? the ones that say or alert to others.....OK. that's enough. i can't take anymore...........either pain or annoyance or stress.

how do we find ease in the now. cause when i look to God all i develop is anger.

20 December 2006

the wee hours

i've done it to myself again. here it is 3:11am and i am sitting in the chair in the corner of my room. my old room. the one i had when i was 16. and here i am again 10 years later as an adult. how hilarious is life? jeez.

oh....and by did it again i meant stayed up beyond the normal limits of the true definition of "late". it is now at insomniac level 1. yes. i consider myself part-insomniac, part-can't get my ass out of bed. is the contradictory? whatever.

i'm not so sure about confessions.

confessions??*

i've had a few of these over the past week. oh....and no not by myself. meaning i didn't confess anything.......i was the receiver.

i've been baking a lot. and a lot refers to a total over abundance. way uncalled for amounts of xmas treats. i think its a form of mourning.

mourning??**

mourning the continued loss of my dad..........as he begins to inhabit my dreams at night.........telling me my gingersnaps taste good. did he really taste them? or is it just me projecting my desire for him to taste them........personally.

mourning a confession i received this weekend and perhaps the yet to hit anger and loss and shock. baking is a good avoidance tool.

don't try this at home.




*you may be silently asking yourself why i pose this discussion. hold on tight.

**yes i said mourning. perhaps not in the literal physical loss......but every other loss one can obtain.

29 November 2006

miffed

what is it about people?
we are such a weird and awkward species.

like seriously.......sometimes we are like ROBOTS!

i know this is going to sound crazy. but one day when you're out to eat somewhere, watch how people eat. how we shove food into our mouths. it's kinda hilarious. cause without food and water we would die. so it's like survival.

just like animals have to eat to live so do we.....circle of life.

but it just seems different when you watch humans do it.

everyday we get up, eat breakfast, go to work, earn piddly amounts of money, eat lunch, commute home, eat dinner, do chores, watch t.v........is this really what life's all about?

seems a little blah to me............

25 November 2006

looking forward

i've been thinking about the past this evening.
a little about me.
some of the things that have changed.
what's gotten better.

i am realizing the growth that has occurred,
the openness
the struggle
the confidence
the strength.

i'm excited to be looking foward.

i won't forget the past.
i'm not necessarily leaving it behind,
b/c without it i wouldn't be here.

it's still a part of me.
it always will be.

but now.........
i'm in a new & better place,
for me.

24 November 2006

mayfair martini's and other thksgvg loves

well thanksgiving was great and it was good to spend time with the family. i haven't been home for thanksgiving for 3 years.....basically since before my dad passed away. so this was the first thanksgiving i've been at home and he hasn't been at the kitchen counter makin' all the goods (deviled eggs, stuffing, homemade noodles, etc.). i know he was there in spirit though and that's all that matters.